Denial

Is it bad to still be in denial about having a baby when said baby is coming in less than 9 days? I'm thinking yes, that's bad. I know everything will be fine, but seriously, how is this going to work? I absolutely cannot imagine living somewhere without the help of grandparents in the coming months. If that were the case, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't go anywhere for at least a good year or so. I would have groceries delivered and the kids wouldn't take any lessons and John David would just have to hitch a ride to school because who wants to put FOUR little kids in the car in the winter early in the morning???

BUT, as it is, we DO live with grandparents. So thank you, Jesus, we're going to make it. It's going to be more than ok. And we'll even still eat home-cooked meals! Now that's a wonderful thing right there. When we do move out, I'm not sure if I'm even going to remember how to cook.

Soooo ---- less than 9 days. Wow. The chest is filled. The bed is ready. The hospital bag for the baby is ready. (I'm procrastinating packing mine.) The to do list is pretty much done, although I think of a couple more things that need to be added to it daily. Yesterday I bought a bouncer seat. I think that's what it's called. Would you believe we've never even had one of those before? It just didn't seem necessary, but this time it does. I found a great one at a second hand shop and it looks so totally comfortable. It reminds me of those big circle shaped chairs with the huge circle cushions that were so popular in the 80's. It's all washed and ready to use. Bottom line, for the first time since John David, I think I'm actually going to be ready. Except that I'm not because I just can't grasp the fact that I'm about to have another child. I still have a baby. I still change diapers and make bottles. Wow. Next Friday is going to be surreal.

I know this isn't going to sound the way it's supposed to but I'm going to say it anyway. At this point (I know everything will be different the moment I first see him) I feel like I could give this baby away and not be in great mourning. Not because I don't want him, but because I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that I'm going to have him. That's sounds so horrible! This is just so different than I've ever felt with my other kids. I'm not prepared emotionally, I don't think. Denial, I'm telling you. Flat out denial.

I will say that while driving in the car today one of my worship cd's was playing. I don't know the actual name of the song but it's a very familiar one to me since I listen to it all the time. Today I really listened to the words though. One of the lines goes something like,

"Standing here, in Your presence, thinking of the good things You have done."

I immediately thought of each of my children. They are most certainly good things He has done. Everyone of them is such a sweet blessing in our lives in their own way. I know that this little boy we get to meet next week is one more good thing. We didn't plan him but God did. God is wise in His ways and knows what our family needs. He will help me when I need help (which I'm sure will be often) and give me every tool I need to be the mommy and wife He wants me to be.

Thank God for the good things in our lives. There are so many material blessings to be thankful for, but they don't even compare to the rich blessings we've been given through our little ones. I can't wait to meet this newest one. In that instant I know every reservation and every last bit of denial will fade away.